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2003-12-17
I had a dream that he had sent me an e-mail. A response to something I had written online about how much time has passed since we last talked. In the dream I had started to write him back on scrap paper in the backroom at work. I thought, This is my chance to be his friend again, This is my chance to make things right. I never finished the letter but woke up feeling like it had all actually happened. There have been so many things rolling around my head lately. I want to talk to him again, I want to be his friend and mend whatever damage we both let happen between us, but I'm too proud to make the first step. He hurt me and I wanted to hurt him back, just as badly and maybe even a little worse. Vindictive, yes, but that's how love and heartbreak go. I'm afraid to talk to him; I'm terrified because if I show interest in him it might mean I'm still in love and somehow I will trick myself into believing that he feels the same way. Such sticky ground to walk on, nothing is quite right. So I speak to him in my dreams, so clearly and precise. I know exactly what to say and the right thing always happens because I'm too afraid to do anything real about it.
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