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2004-05-21

It's this weather. The way the sky never clears and the clouds just hang there, full and heavy. Everything is saturated but the air is the cleanest it's been in weeks. This rain causes an inexplicable longing and I'm overwhelmed with nostalgia. The most important moments of my life (so far) are drenched in rain: I'm watching it from a window; I'm caught in it under the guard of an umbrella; I'm walking barefoot through it despite the chill; I'm feeling it drip from the tip of my nose; I'm hiding from it in a bus shelter with my hands in the pocket of his rain jacket...

It's this weather that reminds me so much of him and his soggy Pacific town. It used to remind me of the towns I grew up in, how the rain always made the day so quiet, but now most of my memories get caught up in him, in being with him.

He'd always give up smoking whenever we were together, claiming that I caused him to "become a better person", but by the end of our time together he would be bitching for a cigarette. I remember the last time I was there visiting him, we were walking back from a day full of events and it was pouring. We stopped into a convienence store and he bought a single cigarette and walked a few steps ahead of me the entire way home. I think he gave me his umbrella but I can't recall exactly. We jumped over puddles and found a little solace under the awnings of the cafes and shops that lined our walk.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much more healing I have to do. It's almost been eight months—four months away from an entire year—and while I've let go of the majority of my anger, I'm still nowhere near being over him. As much as I boast about the independence of singledom and as casual as I can be in reference to him, the fragility of my heart and ego can't be denied. He could have been that love they always make movies about and I may never find that connection with anyone in my life again. Christ, that's so depressing.

It's this weather that gets me thinking if I'll ever find a conclusion to any of this. I want new memories in new places with new people and new experiences. I need to match the rain with something that isn't as emotionally damaging as "that love that went away". But I guess, that's asking a lot.


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