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2004-04-28
Part of me wants to write about how depressed I am right now but I just don't care enough about my own misery to even think about it at a great length. Sure, exploiting my sadness would be a sure-fire way to get easy compliments but that's even more depressing. It's like "Hey! Pay attention to me! I'm sad, vulnerable and in need of love! LOVE ME!" and I'm not that desperate. I've got other things to do. Last night I went to the Night Gallery, Destroyer was playing and I had a ticket. There was so much history in that venue and it made me feel extremely awkward. Everyone knew each other from a million years ago and out of my own self-consciousness, I felt completely out of place. I've really got to get over that. I spent much of the evening hiding in a booth at the back of the bar, smoking cigarettes and not really saying a word. It's strange because I was really excited about going last night and even though I was all hyped up, my mood just sank. That's PMS for you--it pops out of nowhere without any warning and ruins a good time. Yet, even though I felt like a gigantic knob sitting in a booth doing nothing, I started thinking about all the different incarnations of myself that I experience. While I know I am myself all of the time, I'm not always comfortable. I think that's what makes the differences in my personality so apparent, how uncomfortable and awkward I can get. I'm at my happiest when I'm creating things in the studio, I've come to realize that. It's an exhilerating high that I can't get enough of. And I have no idea where I'm going with this. Somewhere along the line I totally lost track of what I wanted to say. I'm sewing all afternoon today, creating little card wallets for Show and Sale at ACAD tomorrow. It's an effort to somehow get a little bit of money. Lord knows if they'll sell or not. Let's hope they do so I can pay off my scary Visa bill and start saving for real things... like a new pair of shoes, a roadtrip and an apprentice training program in Philadelphia. I hope today gets better because right now it kind of sucks.
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