So I've been attempting to clean my room all day. Everything is currently in gigantic piles all around my room but that's alright. I keep getting distracted so it seems like I'm making more of a mess than actually cleaning, but it will get done tonight. Soon I will have a tidy room and lighter lease on life. Or something.
While I was sorting through some shit, I came across all this stuff that I collected during my relationship with Austin. Pictures, letters, plane tickets, transit tickets, receipts, etc. I was looking through everything and I surprised myself by not being upset. I didn't really feel anything as I looked through it other than, "My, that's a fine lookin' gentleman" (because, well, he is). I looked through all these pictures of us together and read through letters that he sent me when we were still in high school, and even now I can only barely pick out his handwriting. I haven't been able to look at any of this stuff since October when I piled them all into a bag the day we broke up. Just the thought of looking at it made my stomach lurch for the longest time but now as I analyze the polaroids and ticket stubs, I'm completely fine with it.
I don't hate him. I don't resent him. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed or lonely. It took almost seven months but I knew I'd get to this point. For the better part of five years, we were amazing and I'm very happy that I was able to have him in my life for that. Sure the whole break-up thing was pretty harsh but it was necessary--I totally understand that now. I feel lucky to have experienced everything I did with him.
I'm currently working on a collage piece using a number of things that are all directly related to him. It's not going to be an angry or spiteful piece, just a collection of memories so I can have everything in one place instead of scattered all around. It took almost seven months but I've finally closed that part of my life and I'm happy. I'm finally ready to move on.
And wow, this has been the most personal journal entry in a while. For the first time in forever I'm not just talking about makeup, shoes and movies. I guess I have substance after all :P